Relationship Help

I would like to have my ex’s parental rights removed. He for the past 7 years since our divorce has done so many irresponsible things that I feel if something happened to me, he having the kids would be a disaster. I don’t feel like his relationship what little he has with the kids will change, only his ability to make legal decisions for the kids. Some of the things that have been going on for the past seven years are: not keeping a job for more than 6 months, drug use and abuse, 35000 behind in child support, everytime he has the kids he trys to get food stamps and medicaid for himself, on his weekend when he does take them (rarely) he sleeps the entire time - leaving the kids to fend for themselves. I just worry that if something were to happen to me, the kids would be in a really bad situation. My questions is where do I start with this. Is this something I can do on my own, or do I need a lawyer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

well maybe it’s just terminology, but when I go see a movie with my friend MJ, I don’t call it ‘taking her out to the movies;’ and I don’t pay for her or anything like that, we are just going to see a movie together, usually just because it’s a movie we want to see, not just for something to do, or to hang out or go on some kind of pseudo date or anything. And sometimes we’ll go have a couple drinks afterwards, but even though it could probably very easily develop into something more, we both - we *all* know that it probably *shouldn’t* for numerous reasons, and respect that.

Personally, I have always enjoyed the company of women more than the company of other guys, and usually felt more comfortable around them - that is until I did feel attracted to them in more than a ‘just friends’ way, then I become dead nervous, but that’s another matter! And my wife has always said she always has had more guy friends than female friends, she just always got along with them better - she was a bit of a tomboy growing up, I think. It does sound like jealousy, and maybe it is! I know when my wife first started going out to do things with her guy friends without me (after our first baby) I was pretty jealous, but quickly got over it. I knew she wasn’t going out “dating” anyone, she was just going to to get out of the house & socialize with her friends. Nothing wrong with that. Is there any time you have ever wanted to go somewhere with your male friends but felt you couldn’t because your husband wouldn’t let you?

I *hate* to keep burdening you guys with different variations on this theme, but it’s driving me crazy.

He entered the relationship not only a bdsm “virgin,” but with no pre-existing fascination with the area. I “did without” sexually for six months, “settling” for vanilla-only with this man (which I swore I’d never do, for ANYBODY!, and for damn near 20 years I held the line on this WITHOUT EXCEPTION), even after many long, deep convos on the subject. I found myself wishing that he’d go to some of the meetings of the local bdsm education/support group to learn more, even though for a number of reasons I have chosen not to associate *myself* with the formal/social “Scene” in my geographic area. To which end I started forwarding him my newsletters from this group, which he said he was skimming but without real interest.

Lately our lovemaking has improved dramatically. While it’s far from what anyone would categorize as formal s/m, I’m getting a lot more of what I need and he (or so he says) is “not doing anything he doesn’t enjoy.” Why the long wait? He says it just took time for him to “process” my sexual identification and figure out his own feelings in this area. (BTW, this is entirely plausible. I’ve seen him do the same thing re other issues, both with myself and with others.)

So here’s the problem: Now he announces that while I was out of town, he met a woman online who specifically invited him to the next local group meeting this weekend. I applaud the educational effort, and of course I encouraged him to attend!, but omigod I KNOW what goes on at those “Play Parties” that individual members rent rooms at the hosting hotel for, after the gavel comes down…! Wouldn’t it just be a BITCH if I did all the work and put in all the time [patience] opening him up to this subculture, and then lost him to the first goddam cyberfloozy willing to take him up on his new interest…?????

For me I did have the big wedding, white gown and he did this big proposal
and then went to my parents to ask their blessing etc. We were engaged a
year with an engagement party …..the whole nine yards. I wanted to live
together first, but < in the jerks defence> my ex knew my mom would have a
cow so we did it “right” so to speak.

Well…. now after 11 years < of his abuse> we are now divorced < as a side
note, he got physicaly abusive with me RIGHT before the wedding and ALL I
could think of was that I could’nt get out of the relationship ’cause the
invitations were already sent>

I DO want to get married again. But I don’t think I will do it the same. I
don’t see another big wedding and white formal gown and all. I do however
have my 2 daughters that will be a part of it if and when it ever happeneds.

With the divorce I took back my madden name but also kept the maddied one for
the kids < so things like school hopefully wouldn’t be strange for them>. As
it turn out, I MOSTLY use my maden name now < and forget about the hyphen and
other name>and my kids don’t think anything of it.
Just my thoughts

“But most of the time she spends around me belittling me, insulting me, and complaining about me. “

This is why I need to leave my marriage. I find myself behaving in this way to my husband and I do not like myself at all. Ya, I have been supporting him for almost 2 years, he doesn’t bathe and smells awful and makes messes all over my home. I try so hard to be polite, Please would you be willing to take a shower, would you please wipe off the spilled food from the counter, etc, I just find that I am constantly saying those kinds of things, and I lose my patience. I even find myself walking into a particularly huge and nasty mess and screamingl, “OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” and OH F——–!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” He doesn’t understand why I am reacting this way. I then lose it and find myself belittling, being sarcastic, “Wow!! Good for you, You picked up your napkin from the floor!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” I try desparately to sound genuine, “Thank you soooo much for taking a bath”, and I dispise myself when I hear my voice. I can’t believe that he could be comfortable with this. He often complains, “Stop picking on me!!”

I just can’t live with this. I can’t live with myself behaving in this disrespectful way either. I am sorry but I think I may understand a bit. You do not deserve to be treated that way, no one does, and there may be a reason for it that you are not seeing.

Couples therapy can be a very good thing when you get a good therapist and both partners really want to use the therapy time well. Playing a blaming game and not getting down to the real issues will not help. I wish you the best.

Please take good care of yourself. You are in a situation that really is not pleasant.

For me, I have come from a severely abusive childhood background and to find a small zone of safety learned to find those things in myself from the time I was pretty young. Art, music, reading, playing piano, singing, being in nature, were all places where I could find those things.

As I grew older I have had many struggles, and still walked my path seeking to build balance and harmony. It is like nature, never still or static, but always in change, like walking on a tightrope.

I have always sought the spiritual, I find that in music, art, nature. As I became older I began to seek the traditions and culture of my Cherokee ancestors. I find great grounding, strength and happiness in the spirituality of my Cherokee traditions. The more that I walk in that way, the more I learn about balance and harmony. That is a path to walk in the journey of life, not just something that you can get and sit in. It is a journey.

That is how it is for me. I am sure that each and every person would have their own personal answer about that.

I think you can tell how anyone will treat anyone by looking at how they act to other people. But this thing with mothers: if someone treats someone “close” badly, it is a sign of that they haven’t taken this “close” thing to themselves. That is : they don’t handle relations well, but it might also be a personality clash thing, which also might give indications of that they have suffered from their lack of good family relations. I think it definitively is worth the input if one thinks of what it really is.

I’ve encountered several stories here and there how people get together with people that arose warnings or disturbing behaviors either in history or present time - one word: Don’t.

Don’t get involved with people who get incontrollable angry. or punches holes in walls. or blame you for things. the list could be made long and also contain “ordinary” things.

My main concerns are usually in regards to my husband and making sure he doesn’t cross boundaries in our relationship, and I that I recognize when he does. I constantly have to be on guard and sometimes document what is said and done to make sure there are no exaggerations. I feel he will take advantage if I let my guard down. That is probably where most of my questions will stem from. Anyway, I hope I can give as well as gain some information here. It sounds like a great group.

It is inevitable that both of you will cross boundaries and exaggerate on issues. There will be a dozen or so double standards on both parts. The key is to learn what they are and recognize them. You can’t make him be less or more than what he is.

You love him for who he is, not who you want or need him to be.

Let him know your fears and what you are doing and he might be able to help you understand him better.

You don’t want to be on guard all of your life or the duration of your relationship. It might sound cruel and mean of me, and I don’t mean it to, but if you don’t trust him then it won’t last long.

Trust is something that is earned, but also something that is forgiven when it is broken. The rule is to be honest and open, but it is very true that rules are made to be broken. We have to forgive the breaking of the rules and go on. It is inevitable that they will be broken and that you both will be hurt, it is how you both deal with fixing the hurt that really counts.